tony squares walks into the booth, and we all attempt to shake his hand. he just bows. me and the rest of the drive time crew think this is a very nice gesture. i quickly do the time, weather, and station i.d. and we move on…

we’re gonna start off with some tough questions, just to get us warmed up. let’s see here… okay, if you could describe yourself with one word, what would it be?

on the radio.

okay? what are you afraid of? what really frightens tony squares?

good question. well, decent question. technically, it’s two questions. i guess, well, i can only think of two things off the top of my head: death and humidity. is it okay if i smoke in here?

it’s against the law.

at this point, as some form of protest, tony squares lights up a cigarette and throws it at me but misses and it lands in funnyman harlan williams’s lap. we all laugh.

got him.

so, you have a big show coming up, right? what will you be doing? singing, doing a little comedy, live sex acts? should we expect the unexpected?

to be honest, i haven’t really thought about it. i remember when my uncle, who was a famous entertainer, used to prepare for big events. he would always say, “whether i bomb or kill, i get paid either way.” he really influenced my career because he figured out a way to snort cocaine and not get addicted.

quick, what’s your favorite beatles album?

revolver.

and why did you pick that one?

to be a dick.

submitted by z101 radio’s junky trunky and the hunky, funky monkeys.