tony squares would buy a fixer-upper and run it into the ground.
tony squares honks when he’s horny.
it’s never never but always now.
tony squares is a ship off-shore and can’t you see it’s sinking?
tony squares likes big penises just as much as everyone else.
for tony squares, ever day it rains is a wet t-shirt contest.
how much [...]

tony squares is more relatable than tom hanks.
tony squares shreds insensitive documents.
tony squares likes couples parties.
tony squares has more catch phrases in him than amy heckerling.
tony squares will never turn 30.
tony squares was paul on the wonder years.
tony squares is a vegeterian, but he fucking loves veal.
tony squares is still spending money from ‘88.
if nice [...]

tony squares endorses NOTHING.
tony squares always remembers your birthday. it was may 17th. oops.
tony squares has never been in the wrong place at the wrong time.
tony squares doesn’t have any stories about awkward things that happened to him during puberty.
“my vida loca,” tony squares’s memoir, is only one page long. and [...]

if tony squares was lost at sea, he would eat the raft.
tony squares walked the l.a. marathon and came in 865th place.
tony squares created his own language based on a series of “what’s up” nods.
tony squares is not a model. he could be, but he’s too attractive and not vain enough.
tony squares reads the [...]

tony squares thinks “i’m gonna be (500 miles)” is a catchy song. everyone does.
tony squares relates more to harry in “when harry met sally…” because, even though he’s more like meg ryan’s character… still, billy crystal is a guy.
tony squares thinks YOU’RE stupid.
if there’s a tie, tony squares is the tie-breaker.
tony squares has never [...]

i found some message board where people are writing facts about tony squares. i don’t remember the address, but this one was my favorite:
“tony squares isn’t afraid of commitment. commitment’s afraid of tony squares.”
submitted by jeffrey woods.