when i showed tony squares this comic, he inquired about the color i used to make his hair. after i told him it was gray, he responded, “well, i’ve never heard of it, and kill me if i ever have to see it again.”

was he joking? i have no idea. and even though just thinking this is blasphemy, i’d have to say that he would make a really cute bald man.

submitted by carissa mccould.

i found some message board where people are writing facts about tony squares. i don’t remember the address, but this one was my favorite:

“tony squares isn’t afraid of commitment. commitment’s afraid of tony squares.”

submitted by jeffrey woods.

tony squares walks into the booth, and we all attempt to shake his hand. he just bows. me and the rest of the drive time crew think this is a very nice gesture. i quickly do the time, weather, and station i.d. and we move on…

we’re gonna start off with some tough questions, just to get us warmed up. let’s see here… okay, if you could describe yourself with one word, what would it be?

on the radio.

okay? what are you afraid of? what really frightens tony squares?

good question. well, decent question. technically, it’s two questions. i guess, well, i can only think of two things off the top of my head: death and humidity. is it okay if i smoke in here?

it’s against the law.

at this point, as some form of protest, tony squares lights up a cigarette and throws it at me but misses and it lands in funnyman harlan williams’s lap. we all laugh.

got him.

so, you have a big show coming up, right? what will you be doing? singing, doing a little comedy, live sex acts? should we expect the unexpected?

to be honest, i haven’t really thought about it. i remember when my uncle, who was a famous entertainer, used to prepare for big events. he would always say, “whether i bomb or kill, i get paid either way.” he really influenced my career because he figured out a way to snort cocaine and not get addicted.

quick, what’s your favorite beatles album?

revolver.

and why did you pick that one?

to be a dick.

submitted by z101 radio’s junky trunky and the hunky, funky monkeys.

Date:	Mon, 20 Mar 2006 11:44:56 -0500
From:	ts@hotmail.com
To:	portlycourtneydan@yahoo.com
Subject:	RE: FWD: FUNNY JOKES!!!!

Thanks for forwarding that e-mail.  I didn't really get any of the
jokes, though.

I should be a comedian, don't you think?

<3
Tony Squares

my aunt in colorado and i talk a lot through e-mail since we never get to see each other. she sent me these really funny jokes, so i forwarded them to everyone on my e-mail list. tony squares just doesn’t think they were funny, and that’s okay.

submitted by courtney dan

to those of you who, for one reason or another, didn’t keep up with this year’s winter olympics, tony squares won the gold medal in speed skating! the men’s 5,000 meters! to those of you who did keep up with the olympics, shhhhhhh…

submitted by colin mcnichols.

i’m not sure if this is the same tony squares or not, but a guy by that name used to go to my high school. i wrote him notes like this all the time, but he was always busy hanging out with this older crowd and working on his motorcycle. wow, i had forgotten about the motorcycle…

submitted by elle bordeaux.

i was walking out of a ralph’s near beverly hills and saw tony squares on the other side of the street. he wasn’t really doing much of anything, but it was still kind of a big deal. this was on march 4th, around noon.

submitted by jennifer mulcahy.

october 2nd, 1997: returning home after a horrible blind date, tony squares smells smoke and single-handedly rescues 34 people from a burning office building. he is awarded no medals for his stylish heroics, but, on the plus side, the second date goes much better.

submitted by helen keaton.

as everyone knows, tony squares loves pizza, and here’s a transcript of a conversation between him and a local pizza establishment to prove it:

omg, he is so cool.

submitted by taylor jackson.

personal quote: “i get hit on by married women all the time, but i don’t do anything about it.”

submitted by tony squares.